When You Remember

You took my heart. You may not have been trying to, but I lost my heart to you when I met you and now my memories won't let me let you go.

Do you remember the first time we spoke? I was terrified and I felt like a mess but you told me I looked beautiful.

Do you remember the first time we danced? Maybe you didn't want to and neither one of us expected it, but even when I messed up you were patient. That day was the first time I was scared I would start to love you.

Do you remember when you sat close by while I poured my heart out through the keys of a piano? If you were paying close enough attention you might have seen how much it hurts when I play that song. In that moment, though, I was content just to have you listen.

I remember the first time you gave me a ride home. When we pulled up outside my house we were talking about kissing. You said the one with the dolphin didn't count.

Do you remember when you played with my hair through the sunroof of my car? I love it when people play with my hair. You told me you'd be lost without me. You knelt down so we'd be at eye level while we talked and then suddenly you got quiet and moved your head so the sunlight was in my eyes. You apologized for that but I didn't mind. I looked at you and you told me my eyes were pretty in the sunlight. I felt beautiful in that moment. 

Do you remember when I caught you watching me play the piano? I think you thought I was mad at you, but when I told you I wasn't you came with me and I played for you.

I remember when you told me you didn't want me to leave. When we eventually did part ways you opened my door for me even though you didn't have to. And still we kept talking and hugging and flirting and before you left you joked about wanting to kiss me. 

Do you remember when I pulled my hair out of my braid so I could feel the wind, and you came up behind me and put your arms around me? You started touching my hair, and you had to pull me against you so that other people could pass by. You sat by me and for ten heavenly minutes ran your hands through my hair. That was the day I admitted I liked you. 

I still remember how cold it was outside when we held each other as we just stood and listened.

Do you remember when you put your arm around me and let me rest my head on your shoulder? I could feel you breathing. Every time I coughed you asked if I was all right. You kept holding me closer for no apparent reason and sometimes you ran your hand through my hair and let it rest there. I wonder if you thought I was asleep.

I remember when you didn't let go of my hand. You pulled me in and held me close enough that I thought you didn't want to let go. I remember how sweetly you brushed my hair away from my face. When you soothed my insecurities with a few simple words. When you knocked me off balance but caught me in a hug before I fell.

Do you remember the many times you ran your hands through my hair? When I cried into your shoulder? When you carried me to my car so my feet wouldn't freeze in the snow? When in the dark in my terror you held me and calmed my fears? When you told me you were there if I needed you? Does that still hold true? Because I need you now and you're not here.

Do you remember the second time we danced? My hand in yours and your hand on my waist. You sang the words softly in my ear.

Do you remember when we played in the river and got wet and made sailboats out of leaves but we didn't care? That was the day I poured out my heart with closed eyes and an open soul.

I remember when you told me you loved someone else. I didn't want to believe you meant it, but deep down, I knew you did.

Do you remember the last time we danced?

Do you remember when I saw you holding her hand? Of course you don't, you didn't know I was watching. It was so painful but I couldn't tear my eyes away. The most embarrassing whimpering sound involuntarily came out of me, but no one heard me. 

Do you remember when you told me it was over? We treated it like a joke but I think we could both feel it. That it was true. That even if we weren't meant for each other, apparently we weren't meant to be friends either. I remember I knew it was true when I said hello to you and you pretended not to hear me.

I remember when you used to hug me for no apparent reason, and sometimes you just didn't let go. Now you don't ever touch me.  I remember the many times you touched my hair and took my hands, and the day I decided to trust you. You gave me hope that there are still gentlemen out there. I remember when I'd ask you for help and we'd end up closer to each other. It always ended up looking romantic. It felt romantic. When you noticed I was cold and put your arms around me to keep me warm. You didn't have to do that. And I remember the last day I felt that we were friends. I understand now how you found your way into my heart.

So I'll ask again, do you remember? Because I remember it. I remember it all.

This is just some strange form of therapy, I guess. I've read back over my journals lately. All the things you did for me and to me and with me and I really think you might have liked me once. 

And I keep asking myself the same questions over and over:

Is it my fault we don't talk anymore? Did any of it mean anything to you? Could I have done anything to change it? Do you think you could have ever loved me?

I still remember. When you remember it, too, tell me because I want to know if any of it meant anything to you. No, don't tell me. I don't want to remember it anymore. It hurts too much. I'm thinking back over everything and my face keeps ending up buried in my hands. I don't know what I was thinking or feeling or doing, but it's too late to go back now.

I lost my heart to you and I'm trying but I don't know if I'll ever find it again.  

Nirvana: Part II of Elysium

My dreams turned to nightmares have become more disturbing of late.
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A man holding a knife to my throat and cutting off my hair instead of killing me. 
I'm not sure why it was so traumatic for me to lose my hair in a dream but it was.

Hiding and they came in with guns. They were furious because they couldn't find me and I knew if they had they would have killed me. Even so, they fired into nothingness and I was certain I felt the bullets hit me. 

Opening the door to the barrel of a gun. Somehow I was only shot in the leg. 
I bled but I lived because someone stopped to help me. I think I knew him.
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Being chased through a maze with no entrance or no exit and I couldn't lose them.
No matter how fast I ran and how many places I found to hide, they still followed. 

I'm afraid to sleep. No monsters under my bed, but they live here in my head.

The worst ones are when I wake up with tears rolling down my face into my hair. 
But I can't remember what my dream was, I only remember that it was terrifying. 
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A few weeks ago I caved and started sleeping with my stuffed animals again.
I know it's childish and silly, but now I don't feel so alone when I wake up.

Once I woke in the middle of the night to the ringing of my phone. I knew who was calling before I picked the phone up and when I answered it and heard that voice on the other end I remembered that I'm only alone in my mind.

My dreams still scare me, though, because I can't do anything to stop them. 
Except not go to sleep and by now I've seen how well that doesn't work out. 
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It doesn't, so I'm stuck with these nightmares until I figure out how to fix myself.

How To Forget

Don't turn off the lights. Imagination runs more wild in the dark. When the lights go out, the memories flood in, and if you let that happen you won't ever escape them.

Don't close your eyes. Same principle. If you allow yourself to sleep, the nightmares will wake you up anyway. It may seem impossible but all it takes is focus. Focus on a tiny sound- the ticking of a clock or the whirring of an air vent. Concentrate on it as if losing your concentration means the end, because sometimes it does.

Avoid people, places, music, everything that reminds you. Sometimes everything does remind you. In that case, you simply have to become a recluse and take up knitting while you watch reruns of Star Trek and eat whatever happens to be in the pantry. It'll keep your mind off it.

Don't talk about it. Talking will only make you remember. Push it to the back of your mind and build walls of fake laughter and forced smiles around it. And if all these things fail and you still can't forget, you'll just have to find something else to break your heart instead. 

These methods work. Usually. The problem is that if you do this trying to forget the past, you'll forget yourself and end up losing the present as well. 

You never really forget. Even if you don't let yourself think about it again for the rest of your life, deep down inside you still remember, and there's nothing you can do to change that. The only way to forget is to realize that you can't.