My Heart

My heart spent so long in the ground
doing nothing but growing larger
and slowly but surely
over years of darkness and isolation
building up layer
after layer
after layer
of protection.

Now my heart has been uprooted
pulled from the dark wet ground
the dirt has been washed off
and slowly the layers
and layers
and layers of protection
are being peeled away.

My heart is exposed at last
there is no protection left
to keep it safe
from the wind and the rain
from the snow and the lightning
from the elements
and from the knife that
slices through it
cutting it into tiny pieces
never to be put back together
bringing tears to the eyes of others
and myself.

So many years spent building walls
that cannot be rebuilt in a day
in a week or a month
or a year
or even in a lifetime
only by starting over.

After all
once an onion has been dug up and peeled
it can't be put back in the ground.

The wet and the cold are seeping in
as well as the damp and the frost
but so are the rain and the wind
and the sun and the stars
and the clouds and the blue skies
and the laughter and smiles
and everything that makes life worth living.

My heart has been uncovered
and rather than try to clumsily
reconstruct the barriers surrounding it
it will face the cold and the storms
the pain and heartache
the grief and bitterness
and then it will heal
and move on to the sunsets
and the beauty and the love.

My heart has suffered too much
and it will endure even more
but this remains true
my heart will always survive.

Delusions, Fantasies, and Hallucinations

mirage

noun

1.    an optical phenomenon, especially in the desert or at sea, by which the image of some object appears displaced above, below, or to one side of its true position as a result of spatial variations of the index of refraction of air.
2.    something illusory, without substance or reality.
3.    any of a series of supersonic, delta-wing, multirole French fighter-bombers.

synonyms
illusion, fantasy, hallucination


I can't explain what the first definition means, and the third one is completely irrelevant, but the second one embodies the meaning I want to capture.

My thoughts are a mirage. Most of them are fantasies and hallucinations and me deluding myself. Once in a while, the mirage turns out to be a reality, but not very often. 

So here's a glimpse into my brain. My delusions, fantasies, and hallucinations, and maybe some of my realities as well, if we get lucky.