Finding Paris

I wish I could have gone to Paris this year. I watched from afar, though, and that's good enough for now. I'll be there for real someday. Soon, I hope.

But even though I wasn't all the way there, Paris still taught me. It taught me that beauty can be found wherever you care enough to look, and that I feel alive when I realize that just maybe I am beautiful, too. 

I learned that being in love is not always a good thing and that all the darkness in the world can be forgotten by just one ray of light. 

In Paris I wandered into places of death and even though I wanted to leave, I stayed because the death reminded me of the value of life. Your life and my life and his life and her life and our life. 

I found out that growing up isn't as glamorous as I was told it was, because when you don't know what comes next, it's really hard to be happy about it.

I realized that drowning in my tears never got me anywhere and that silence isn't always golden but it is precious.

I discovered that the words 'I love you' are the most powerful words ever spoken, along with 'goodbye' and 'thank you.' I learned that I'm not alone even when it feels like I am because Paris is full of people like me who just want to be seen and heard and known.

Paris showed me that poetry can hurt without trying and the scars on my heart are so much more painful than the ones I keep finding on my arms. 

In Paris I watched the rain from the balcony. I thought it was beautiful. And then decided that I'd rather go stand in it, dance in it, shout my spirit to the world in it, and I did and was much happier.

I tried running away from everything that made me feel uncomfortable until I noticed that all my time was spent running. I didn't like that much, but it's hard to face your fears head on and sometimes it hurts, too.

I determined that I would remember the memories and savor the moments because they pass too quickly and are too easy to forget. The memories I miss the most are the ones I've forgotten.

And Paris revealed to me that everyone's Paris is just a little bit different, but everyone has one even if they don't always realize it. Don't miss out. The sun is setting in Paris, but you and me are destined, not to be revered, or to be powerful, but simply to be. Because the sun will rise again.

Nirvana: Part II of Elysium

My dreams turned to nightmares have become more disturbing of late.
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A man holding a knife to my throat and cutting off my hair instead of killing me. 
I'm not sure why it was so traumatic for me to lose my hair in a dream but it was.

Hiding and they came in with guns. They were furious because they couldn't find me and I knew if they had they would have killed me. Even so, they fired into nothingness and I was certain I felt the bullets hit me. 

Opening the door to the barrel of a gun. Somehow I was only shot in the leg. 
I bled but I lived because someone stopped to help me. I think I knew him.
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Being chased through a maze with no entrance or no exit and I couldn't lose them.
No matter how fast I ran and how many places I found to hide, they still followed. 

I'm afraid to sleep. No monsters under my bed, but they live here in my head.

The worst ones are when I wake up with tears rolling down my face into my hair. 
But I can't remember what my dream was, I only remember that it was terrifying. 
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A few weeks ago I caved and started sleeping with my stuffed animals again.
I know it's childish and silly, but now I don't feel so alone when I wake up.

Once I woke in the middle of the night to the ringing of my phone. I knew who was calling before I picked the phone up and when I answered it and heard that voice on the other end I remembered that I'm only alone in my mind.

My dreams still scare me, though, because I can't do anything to stop them. 
Except not go to sleep and by now I've seen how well that doesn't work out. 
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It doesn't, so I'm stuck with these nightmares until I figure out how to fix myself.