Finding Paris

I wish I could have gone to Paris this year. I watched from afar, though, and that's good enough for now. I'll be there for real someday. Soon, I hope.

But even though I wasn't all the way there, Paris still taught me. It taught me that beauty can be found wherever you care enough to look, and that I feel alive when I realize that just maybe I am beautiful, too. 

I learned that being in love is not always a good thing and that all the darkness in the world can be forgotten by just one ray of light. 

In Paris I wandered into places of death and even though I wanted to leave, I stayed because the death reminded me of the value of life. Your life and my life and his life and her life and our life. 

I found out that growing up isn't as glamorous as I was told it was, because when you don't know what comes next, it's really hard to be happy about it.

I realized that drowning in my tears never got me anywhere and that silence isn't always golden but it is precious.

I discovered that the words 'I love you' are the most powerful words ever spoken, along with 'goodbye' and 'thank you.' I learned that I'm not alone even when it feels like I am because Paris is full of people like me who just want to be seen and heard and known.

Paris showed me that poetry can hurt without trying and the scars on my heart are so much more painful than the ones I keep finding on my arms. 

In Paris I watched the rain from the balcony. I thought it was beautiful. And then decided that I'd rather go stand in it, dance in it, shout my spirit to the world in it, and I did and was much happier.

I tried running away from everything that made me feel uncomfortable until I noticed that all my time was spent running. I didn't like that much, but it's hard to face your fears head on and sometimes it hurts, too.

I determined that I would remember the memories and savor the moments because they pass too quickly and are too easy to forget. The memories I miss the most are the ones I've forgotten.

And Paris revealed to me that everyone's Paris is just a little bit different, but everyone has one even if they don't always realize it. Don't miss out. The sun is setting in Paris, but you and me are destined, not to be revered, or to be powerful, but simply to be. Because the sun will rise again.

What Came After

A few nights ago, it was raining outside. I said wanted it to rain, and it did. But guess what I found after the rain?

Nothing. Nothing. 

I discovered it's not about what comes after the rain. It's about the rain itself. The rainbows are part of the rain, not something to hold my breath for afterward. 

I opened my bedroom window so I could see it and smell it and hear it and taste it and feel it, because that's the only way to learn from it. 

The rain is the hurt and the tears.

But with it comes the joy and the laughter. The rain is what changes people. What comes afterward is beautiful, but the rainbows aren't the reason for the rain. The rain is what matters. 

When the rain stops, maybe I'll close my window and climb into bed. Or maybe I'll already be asleep by then. I don't want the rain to stop quite yet. 

After the Rain

A raindrop hits my arm and I brush it away. Another hits my cheek and I swipe my hand across that one, too. But then the rain starts coming faster and faster and it's no use anymore. It's just a drizzle at first, but soon it's a downpour.

A car drives by and splashes a wave of water all over me... I think my new boots are ruined.

Water runs in rivulets from my hairline down into my face and I blink away some of the water as I reach up to brush it out of my eyes. I remember belatedly that my hand is wet, so it obviously doesn't do any good.

I'm going to get wet anyway, so it might as well open up and pour.

Let it rain. Let the clouds cry out as much as they want and let their tears drown me, drench me, mix with my own tears. Let the storm hit me, beat me, batter me. Let it make my hair frizzy and my skin soaked. Let the flood come out and let me feel the storm and finally learn to appreciate it. Let the rain hurt me, and I will come out stronger.

Let it rain, and then I can find out what happens after.