Run Away With Me

I'm trapped in a valley of disillusionment. The mountains are sketched, the clouds were painted. It can't be real, and I wanted to run away from it. 

I've run away from home so many times. But it usually happens in my head. No matter how many times I run away, though, I always have to come back. I wish I had somewhere else I could stay, because I know if I actually did run my parents would just be angry at me when I eventually got back, when I eventually realized I have no other choice but to go back to my house that is not a home. Someday I'll be brave enough to say no, and I won't dread going home. But not today. Once I get there I feel confused and angry and go to my bedroom, the only place in my house that feels even remotely like home. And lately that doesn't even feel the same. I haven't even slept in my own bed in a week. 

Outside is more home than in. My smile is pained, but at least I'm smiling as the sunlight hits my face and my years of tears burn tracks down my cheeks. If you look closely the next time you might be able to see the scars. The wind in my hair made me want to fly or make declarations of love in Spanish. 

There's a swing set out back. It's about as close as I can get to flying, and it gave me a headache. I always get headaches when I swing. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I finally jumped off. I don't know a lot of things these days. 
Like what to do about my relationships. Is it better to have a wonderful relationship that's completely fake or a real relationship that's total garbage? Yet another thing I don't know. 

And what to do about death. Saying someone has passed away doesn't change the fact that they're dead. They died, and phrasing it differently doesn't change a thing. They're still dead. 

I feel so alone. And then you came. You swept me off my feet and asked me to run away with you. I really wanted to, more than I've wanted to do anything before, but I couldn't, and I hope you'll forgive. 

I still have daydreams about you coming back. Maybe then we can actually run away, because I've wanted to for so long. And you can pick me up and carry me outside to the passenger seat and we can run away into the sketched mountains and painted clouds.

Please tell me it's not just a daydream. Run away with me.