What I'll Never Say to My Parents

You hypocrites. You lecture me about pushing my limits and draining myself and then what do you do? You go and push those limits farther than I ever did, farther than I ever wanted to. If I was an idiot, I wouldn't do half of what I do just out of spite, because then maybe you'd realize how much I'm capable of doing without your so-called help.

Really? You want to be able to see me once in a while when I go to college? Because you sure don't act like it. For heaven's sake, how am I supposed to believe you're going to miss me? You told me to go live somewhere else because there are plenty of siblings waiting to have my room. Why do I want to go to college far away? Because I don't want to be around you anymore. 

So first you tell me that if I can't handle a situation I should remove myself from it, and now that I've finally grown up and stopped hitting my siblings, I can't escape to my room without you saying I'm isolating myself and shutting you out. How's that for confusing? Which one do you really want? I'm not figuring out how to work out my problems with other people, all I'm learning is that adults are inconsistent and shouldn't be trusted.

No, I don't know what college I want to go to. No, I haven't done that yet. Will you stop bringing up topics I have no desire to talk about? Give it a rest for once.

Yes, I will let you know what time I'll be home, I just don't know when that is yet. Yes, I will let you know when I get home, don't I always? I have better things to do than lie to you, so why don't you trust me yet? It's like you think the only things teenagers do late at night are get high, do something illegal, or sleep around. Well, I'll have you know I probably wouldn't recognize drugs if I saw them, I've never spoken to a policeman, and I've never even kissed a boy, let alone done anything more than that. 

Fine, I'll go to bed. I'll just read books and listen to music under the covers, and if I hear a voice or a footstep or even if the house creaks, I'll turn off the light and wait a few minutes, and then I'll keep reading. I've done it before, and I'll do it again. Because, hey, it's 12:43 and I'm writing a blog post while the rest of the family is in bed...

No, I won't turn my music off or down. Yeah, I'm sure you don't like the beat, but you don't like any of my music. I should stop being surprised when you tell me to turn it off, and maybe you realize but maybe you don't, that when you make me put in my headphones, you're just isolating me from you and the rest of the family even more. The only reason I turn my music off is because I'm sick of fighting with you, because you only ever see things your way.

I'm having a bad day. Oh, so when I have a bad day I have to get over it or tell you what's wrong, but of course if you have a bad day you're completely validated in yelling at, getting mad at people for things they didn't do. That makes total sense. It all comes back to that inconsistency thing, doesn't it?

No, there's nothing else. I don't want to tell you the details, because you don't need to know everything about me. Or about my friends, for that matter. I told you everything back when I thought you cared and I had no one else to talk to. You know too much about me already. So stop asking for the details, because I'm not telling you anymore. I don't want to share the precious moments that have made my life beautiful. Not with you, because you twist them and bring them back to mock me and embarrass me.

I tried to be everything you wanted me to be.
I tried to do everything you asked of me before you asked.
I tried not to hurt you.

I tried over and over and I never measured up, so even though I feel like a jerk for writing it, even if you'll never read it, I'm just going to stop trying. It hurts too much to try to please you and no matter how hard I try I end up disappointing you anyway.

One thing you need to realize is this: I am human, and as such I make mistakes and I have opinions and I am my own individual, not something you are going to make me into. As a human I am not perfect, and neither are you. Learn from your mistakes, learn to be happy, and learn to live with the mistakes of others (like me), and then you'll not only be human and living, you'll be human and alive. And yes, there's a difference between alive and living. 

But you wouldn't know, because you'll never read this.