My Final Words

Dear Everyone,

These are some brief explanations of why I am the way I am. Maybe they will help you understand, but if they don't, well, I guess it's not my problem anymore, because this is me saying goodbye.

I often wonder if you know how bright you are. For the longest time, I thought I was the moon to your sun, but really I was a star, and you were the sun. Now I realize that the sun is just another star, and the more distance I put between myself and the sun, the less bright it seems and the more I can see my own light. You're still beautiful to me, but now... I think I am as well.

I've been looking at my life through a distorted lens. One that sees trees as green, water as blue, and blood as red. But I got new glasses the other day and now I can see things for what they are. Trees as alive, living and breathing with each breeze. Water as something flowing and moving even when it runs brown from mud and carries fallen leaves in its currents. Especially then. And blood as something metallic, that tastes of love and work and anger, without which we cannot live.

I think I've spent my whole life running away from something, and now I have this sinking feeling that I'm trying to run away from myself and it's not working, so I'll have to take a different approach. I am abandoning my very real fantasies and very false realities and facing myself head-on, because once I know what I'm trying to run from, I can learn who I really am and be someone I actually want to be.

So here are my final words.

To Alyssa Lewis,
You've always been there. You taught me that a true friend doesn't just show up when they think things are going badly and you need help. They are there even when things seem to be going well. Thanks for all the memories.

To Sam Tse,
Don't underestimate yourself. You can encourage and inspire people as long as you believe in yourself. For what it's worth, I believe in you.

To Devin Glenn,
I wish I knew you better. I'm glad I met you, though.

To Kira Knorr,
Love you, girl. You've loved me even when I'm in a bad mood, even when I can't stop to talk, and even when I don't seem to love you back. But I promise I do love you, and I'll remember you forever and always. I miss you already. Oh, and do you think you could maybe tell your brother hi for me?

To Austin Walker,
I'm sorry you have to deal with 9 siblings. I can barely deal with 5 of them.

To Trevor Richard,
Thank you for helping me start to understand myself, and for trying to understand me even when you didn't have to. Keep thinking because the world needs more thinkers like you and the people who don't question generally don't get answers.

To Graham Carman,
At least you weren't freaked out by me. I hope you weren't pretending to be happy to see me, but I don't think you were because that's not easy to fake.

To Paris,
You've changed me, and I don't want to leave. Circumstances leave me with no choice but to stay. Sorry if you're tired of me.

To My Mirages,
I love you. Goodbye.


Love,
Midnight

Finding Paris

I wish I could have gone to Paris this year. I watched from afar, though, and that's good enough for now. I'll be there for real someday. Soon, I hope.

But even though I wasn't all the way there, Paris still taught me. It taught me that beauty can be found wherever you care enough to look, and that I feel alive when I realize that just maybe I am beautiful, too. 

I learned that being in love is not always a good thing and that all the darkness in the world can be forgotten by just one ray of light. 

In Paris I wandered into places of death and even though I wanted to leave, I stayed because the death reminded me of the value of life. Your life and my life and his life and her life and our life. 

I found out that growing up isn't as glamorous as I was told it was, because when you don't know what comes next, it's really hard to be happy about it.

I realized that drowning in my tears never got me anywhere and that silence isn't always golden but it is precious.

I discovered that the words 'I love you' are the most powerful words ever spoken, along with 'goodbye' and 'thank you.' I learned that I'm not alone even when it feels like I am because Paris is full of people like me who just want to be seen and heard and known.

Paris showed me that poetry can hurt without trying and the scars on my heart are so much more painful than the ones I keep finding on my arms. 

In Paris I watched the rain from the balcony. I thought it was beautiful. And then decided that I'd rather go stand in it, dance in it, shout my spirit to the world in it, and I did and was much happier.

I tried running away from everything that made me feel uncomfortable until I noticed that all my time was spent running. I didn't like that much, but it's hard to face your fears head on and sometimes it hurts, too.

I determined that I would remember the memories and savor the moments because they pass too quickly and are too easy to forget. The memories I miss the most are the ones I've forgotten.

And Paris revealed to me that everyone's Paris is just a little bit different, but everyone has one even if they don't always realize it. Don't miss out. The sun is setting in Paris, but you and me are destined, not to be revered, or to be powerful, but simply to be. Because the sun will rise again.